The Phoenix.
TW // Sexual Assault
Chaos. Uncertainty. Disorder…these words may stir up feeling of unease for many, but for me, these words are familiar, they are secure, they are where I feel at home. I thrive in the unknown, in last minute plans and quick execution. You could talk to my therapist at length about my addiction to chaos, and my ultimate lack of patience. And, yes, I am aware that getting myself a tad (err, a lot) more organized, more structured and more centered would help to keep everything in balance, but it’s something that, no matter how crazy life gets, I am at a constant struggle with. I like the unpredictable.
I haven’t always been this way. Picture this…
It’s 2011-, and my 23-year-old self, fresh out of college, was ready to take the corporate world by storm. I got my first ‘big girl’ job as a Project Coordinator for a Fortune 500 company in Cleveland. I packed up my life and moved back home to prove to the world that I was going places. It didn’t take long for me to ‘succeed’. One promotion after another, and in just 6 short years I had doubled my salary and was on a first name basis with the big-wigs in my industry. This was not a result of operating in chaos; sure, I was great at putting out fires, but I was always prepared, always 2 steps ahead of the next guy.
Then, something so unpredictable happened. In March of 2017 I was raped by a (much older and very successful) co-worker, at a company sponsored event in Houston, TX. I can tell you that I DID NOT see that one coming. I was not prepared in the slightest and I didn’t know how to put out the fire that ended up consuming me.
I spiraled. I didn’t know who I was anymore…all I knew for sure is that I was now referred to as ‘the girl who was raped’. I wasn’t viewed the same way. Those big-wigs that were so impressed by the young and ambitious saleswoman I once was now turned away when I entered a room, and my name wouldn’t dare creep its way into conversation. I was taboo. I was risky. I was a liability. Simply put, I wasn’t worth it. I could be replaced in a second…and I was. The ‘girl who was raped’ got scared, ran away, and hid under (the literal) covers for the next 9 months.
I eventually learned to go through the motions, pretending to be happy and wearing a fake smile the whole time. On the inside, I was a mess. I carried guilt for what happened to me. I convinced myself it was MY FAULT, that I deserved the pain, that happiness was a façade and that I would just have to accept this new reality. If you would have asked me how I was doing I would have replied ‘great!’ and then would likely change the subject.
Fast forward to New Years Eve 2017. This was the day that I finally admitted to myself that I was not okay, not even a little. I didn’t recognize the girl that I saw in the mirror. I didn’t know joy; all I knew was misery, depression, darkness. I constantly thought about that day in March…quite literally, memories that made me sick to my stomach consumed my every thought. I kept reliving that day over and over and over again in my head, wondering how I could have avoided the tragedy, the trauma, all of it…
I’d finally had enough, and decided that it was time to take my life back. So, in what would come to be typical Kat Dawson fashion, I immediately registered for my 200-hour YTT. My journey to healing was about to begin...I traded my blazer for leggings and swore to do ‘the work’ required to dig myself out of the trenches. I started to accept one thing: what happened to me wasn’t my choice, but how I moved forward – THAT was all on me.
A lot has transpired since 2017, both on and off my mat. I’ve learned lessons, many of which I had to learn the hard way. I’ve made mistakes. I’ve invited in toxicity and been burned by it. I have also found success, formed relationships beyond my wildest dreams, and now, every time I look in the mirror, I recognize and applaud the woman staring back at me.
I was in a yoga class a few months ago that I don’t think I will ever forget. The teacher began class by saying that “we all love the Phoenix rising from the ashes, the lotus from the mud…but we forget the part where the nest is on fire and shit is scary AF. The mud is dark, sticky and binding. Remember, if you want to rise you have to learn to embrace the fire, the mud.”
So, what does this have to do with chaos? No amount of organization and forethought in the world could have ever prepared me for that day in March, 2017; the day my life seemingly fell apart, the day I lost my identity. Life is never going to be predictable, and we don’t know when the bus is coming; so, to EMBRACE THE CHAOS is to accept the uncertainty of life and decide to LIVE anyway. My story is not meant to scare you, or to invite empathy, but is instead a reminder to rise from the ashes. As much as we try to fight it, we really aren’t in control of anything and life is going to unfold in uncertain ways. Through all of life’s ups and downs, the only thing we can really control is how we choose to respond to the cards we are dealt. For me, I’m going to continue putting one foot in front of the other and, through it all, keep trying my best.
And, in the meantime, I’ll probably work on getting a little more organized ; )
Xx, Kat
